Dealing with Passive-Aggressive In-Laws

Do you have a mother-in-law or a daughter-in-law who says she is “fine” but then starts in with loud, heavy sighs or undermining “accidental” oversights? No matter what she says or doesn’t say, her actions are screaming the real truth: She is not happy with you. This is called passive aggressive behavior, and it’s not your imagination–it’s very real!
Dealing with this behavior (passive and unassuming on the surface, but nastily aggressive toward you underneath) can be incredibly difficult, draining, and frustrating. Fortunately, I have some specific strategies for dealing with passive-aggressive mothers-in-law and also with passive-aggressive daughters-in-law. So read on to get the tools you need for the results you want.
For Daughters-in-Law Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Mothers-in-Law
Even though it doesn’t feel like it, you really do have an advantage. I tell you this not so you can best your in-law, but so you can feel less helpless and start to see the situation in a different light.
The following two tips work because they allow you to both alter her behavior and feel better in spite of her actions. After all, it takes two to play, so if you change the rules on your mother-in-law, it’s impossible for her to keep up her frustrating behavior.
Here’s how to shake things up:
1. Shift the power from her to you with humor. When she tells you she is “fine” but then goes into drama mode, give a good-natured chuckle or laugh in that inside-joke kind of way that tells her you know exactly what she’s doing, but you’re going to ignore the behavior. This allows you to give her a message loud and clear without outwardly challenging her.
2. Play naïve. Take her at face value. Assume that unless she says something directly, she really is fine with whatever you said or did. After all, she can’t assume you’re a mind reader, right? When she can no longer count on her behavior to get her way, she will be forced to either admit how she feels or to sit back and do nothing about her contrary views.
For Mothers-in-Law Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Daughters-in-Law??Here, you’re probably dealing with either hurtful, stinging comments that are hard to defend against or the malicious subterfuge of the undermining “accidental” oversights. For example, your daughter-in-law may not include you on special family events or she may go into the other room whenever you come by (or never come out of the other room when you show up).
Here’s how to create a more balanced sense of power:
1. Take a few emotional steps back. Realize what she’s doing to you is, for the most part, not personal. She probably behaves this way with everyone she is upset with because she feels she has no power. After all, if she felt confident enough to deal with people directly, she wouldn’t resort to this behavior, right?
2. Be a role model. Instead of slinking away or showing your anger, help her see that having feelings is okay. Help her learn how to express her feelings and get results that are a win-win for both of you.
3. Acknowledge her feelings even when she won’t. If she doesn’t feel it is okay to talk about “bad” feelings, help her see that feelings are just feelings. Stating to her in a calm, compassionate way what you think she’s feeling brings those feelings out into the open.
4. Help her see you really do want to understand. When you show her that she matters enough to listen to her feelings, you start to create a neutral environment, allowing you to build a stronger relationship.

The more you practice these tips, the easier it will get, and the faster your passive-aggressive in-law relationship will turn to one of mutual respect–and who knows, maybe even affection.